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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 14, 2014 22:42:36 GMT -6
'My depression is dancing" by: Melanie Brandenhoff
My depression is dancing all around me…
It laughs at me and makes me die inside…
It makes my wrist tingle and I wanna smash the mirror…
It whispers death in my ear and I just lie to myself to block it away…
It screams blood and anger around me and I cry for it to stop…
It dances and I sing…
It pokes me and I scream…
And when it rains…we cry with it…
When will my heart break from the ice and find love’s warmth?
My depression is dancing…
Battle On
At the edge I stand alone…
Wondering if I should jump…
Or do I raise my sword and fight…
A battle that has longed eight years…
Eight long years of darkness…
Where is the light I’ve been searching for?
Shall the angels whisper in my dreams?
If God made hope then let it come…
Because the hopeless lies with in…
I’ll try to live on…
Chase the dark away…
And raise my sword in victory…
Shall Heaven have mercy on me?
Only God knows…
Let my dissida come and we will fight to the end!
BATTLE ON!
Untitled
My life has been destroyed by my love ones.
They have broken and murdered me!
My sorrow is drowning me badly.
The rage in my body wants to play.
No one seems to care about me.
They are all selfish and blind to the darkness.
As they drag me down I scream for help.
No one comes to help.
So tonight I curse them all!
I curse them to feel the fire I feel...
To cry to tears of blood that I have...
I hope they stay blind and see one day that they destroyed me!
Let my anger rise, let me die in my sorrow...
But tonight...
I take flight...
I dispell them all...
I scream for the light...
I show the anger...
I let the warmth fill my soul...
Tonight...
I take back the night.
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Post by Admin on Jun 16, 2014 13:28:09 GMT -6
I can see you placed a lot of emotion into your writing. There are signs of hope within these words, but I can see a lot of darkness bleeding from them as well. Dark times bring out the deepest, most in-depth and literal standpoints of a person. Wonderful. Exquisite. <3 Pure genius :'-)
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 16, 2014 15:13:07 GMT -6
Thanks Gerald and I remember being in a dark place writing these. My depression was being triggered down to dark points, my anxiety was high and, my will to live was growing short. I was in a self-hell because I was taking on too much responsibility for things I couldn't control. All I wanted to do was keep my love ones safe and help them but I couldn't do that for myself. They kept changing my thyriod medication dosage to the point I was getting sick and thought I was going nuts. I'm doing much better but I do have slip up like currently because of the house and, Grandma thing.
I remember one thing though even through the worse of nights, morning's light will come.
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 22, 2014 1:58:17 GMT -6
The dark part of my mind
Stop telling me it’s all in my head That it’s just some illusion made up by her That her words twisted my brain It’s her remnant that is fucking me up!
It’s not in my head The damage you two have done Yelling and screaming Having no remorse!
You argued and fought Four years curse While I watched In shadow’s worse.
You both have screwed my mind To the point which makes me blind Interfere with genetics My mind filled with pills God make it stop.
She left me at six months But she was out of her mind Nowhere to hide Denied she needed help So I paid the price.
Slammed on the ground by her twice My back is messed up My thyroid too You’ve been out of my life But now you’re back.
You swore you loved me till the very end When we came to see you your last words to me were: “Go to hell”! You nearly had me pick up the knife, pick up the pills My mind screaming at me Telling me to end this pain…
My wrist burned as I felt the need to run away From all the sharp things God just save me!
I sit here looking at you You yell at me for doing anything You say you love me and you don’t show it enough That’s true…
But I wish you’d show it more Stop yelling at me You’re slowly opening your eyes to the truth. Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thought, Hypthyriodism Aren’t all in my head… They’re real.
They are reality and they slowly kill me. The people who help Maybe far away But they accept me and love me for me. Something I question if you do… |
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Post by undeadsob1980 on Jun 22, 2014 2:21:08 GMT -6
Oh dear. I do feel your pain <3
Know that you have many out that who love you, even if they don't. Hugs to you dear.
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 22, 2014 2:28:19 GMT -6
*hugs* thanks Stu <3
The purple is my Mom, the blue's my grandma and the red's my Dad. My Mom left at six months, my Grandma has lost her mind and no telling on my Dad. I still love them though. Sure how I grew up, my Grandma was emotionally abusing me I just didn't know. My Dad though was trying to fight it off for me but it didn't work till I was in my late teens. My Mom watched her Mother died and that's how she lost her mind.
I thank God though, I haven't cut, I haven't OD on my meds either. I've been tempted but I couldn't pull the trigger. I refuse to die that way.
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Post by Admin on Jun 22, 2014 2:31:37 GMT -6
<3
So many people can relate to how you feel. Me, especially. Keep it together, honey. God's with you, through and through.
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 22, 2014 5:11:49 GMT -6
<3 thanks Gerald, I'll try my best.  |
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 28, 2014 18:44:26 GMT -6
I can't go back...
I won't go back...
I'm a hypocrite for giving you a second chance...
You swore you were the world but you came crashing down.
The game is done...
You have no where to hide...
I'm emotionally abused by you...
I'm screaming and bleeding inside.
You lie in bed...
Slowly dying...
Your mind is already gone...
Yet your mark is still bruised.
For years on end...
I took care of you...
I became your slave...
Now I'm still in pain from you.
You treated your son like Shit...
You treated me like a Goddess...
But I was too blind to see the truth...
You used me!
You made me spy on my Father...
You made me lie...
You played me like a puppet...
Made me live in fear!
Sure my Dad didn't make it any better...
He says my mental issues are all in my head...
He blames you...
They're real but you placed them there.
I love you Grandma...
But I see the truth...
I see you...
It hurts for me to say this...
I won't be going back to the home...
The strings are cut...
The lights are on...
The illusion is gone...
You have no power.
I love you Grandma...
But this is goodbye. |
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Post by Admin on Jun 28, 2014 22:56:19 GMT -6
<3 You really know how to touch me with your work, Mel <3
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Post by MelGabrielle on Jun 29, 2014 2:22:09 GMT -6
Thanks Gerald. This one is from when we went to the nursing home. Grandma went off on Dad and it caused me to basically say no more. I gave her a second chance and she screwed it up. I'm just done with the way she acts, mind there or not. I love her but there's a line where it needs to end.
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Post by MelGabrielle on Aug 22, 2014 13:27:23 GMT -6
"Earn it" by: Melanie Brandenhoff
(A/N: This piece is based off my feelings of a convo I had with my Father over the fact I spent over $200 of my own money on a Nintendo 3DS .)
"So it's okay that you can buy nice things like TVs and when I get money I can't buy anything nice".
"I have a job, I earn it".
You're such an ignorant bastard I swear.
Do you know what it really means to earn it?
Do you believe only having a job means:
Earning it?
Liar! Liar!
You haven't been paying attention.
You have more than one way of earning something.
Let me tell you something.
You pressure me and say: "You need to get a job".
You even told this to my therapist and she even ask:
"How's the job search coming"?
Let me tell you something.
It's not and never will be.
You don't understand me.
My depression and anxiety prevents me.
Let me tell you something.
I can't be in crowds without someone I know.
I can't be yelled at.
I'm an Empath.
I would rather work alone.
I can't get on disability without having to see new doctor.
Oh the trust issues!
And then you want me in order to as well take more medication!
Disability isn't worth it.
So let me tell you something.
How do I earn my things is simple.
I stay alive.
Do you know how?
I resist the urge to kill myself when I'm suicidal.
I, ignore the dark musi yelling at me when people yell at me.
I walk away from our fights.
I try my best to block the emotions from other people so I don't go insane.
I take the meds I really do need.
I go to college so I can eventually get a career
I DO NOT ALLOW MY DEPRESSION TO RULE ME!
Apparently you haven't been paying attention at all.
Mental Illness isn't just all in my head.
It's real.
Every day I have a good day...
I reward myself in some way.
For you to say
"Get a job and earn it"
Means shit to someone like me.
I earn it by staying alive. |
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Post by MelGabrielle on Oct 24, 2014 13:21:48 GMT -6
Please no! Don't go!
You may not know but I'm connect to you.
You're a line of an empath and I can feel your emotions.
Stop!
I got your text...
No text
No Skype
No efed
No questions...
I felt my soul has been cut by a knife...
You were removed and I couldn't do anything...
I stayed in my room...
Crying...
Feeling fear...
I couldn't sleep last night...
The sun came up when I did...
Even then I had nightmares.
The nightmares had killing in it.
What am I supposed to do now?
I'm still in pain...
You being teared will not go in vein!
Hel hath no fury like...
An emotion spell caster scorn. |
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Post by MelGabrielle on Nov 21, 2014 11:05:29 GMT -6
I can't believe it...
You got a hold of me...
You apologized for leaving but never told me why...
I'm happy you're okay...
But you weren't were you?
Our line was fixed...
My heart skipped a beat when I saw the email telling me...
One new message on Chatango...
Those anons on RWF....
I knew they were you.
Mandy didn't believe me...
She said it could have been Chris...
Yet I knew deep in my heart...
It was you.
After we were done talking...
You had to leave...
I said to get a hold of me whenever...
You said: "I dunno if it will happen, but see ya".
You made me happy.
You made me happy to know you were alive...
That you didn't kill yourself...
That you didn't let the depression beat you...
But I felt something from you...
You were depressed and you were sad.
You miss me.
I miss you.
I know your marriage makes you miserable...
Commitment scares you...
You married so you wouldn't end up alone...
You can't hide it from empaths.
You want to break free and come back to us all...
You'd rather be talking to us than being with her...
You lock your secret from the world...
"I don't love you, my wife".
I know your emotions affect me...
Would you hold it against me I never told you about this?
That I'm an empath...
And that...
I'm still standing out in the rain loving you. |
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